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22 (Easy) Steps to Be a Writer

Believe it or not, there is, indeed, a formula to being a writer. After years of research, allisontalking to colleagues, and closely examining the life of professional writers, I have cracked the code.

Here are the easy-to-follow steps to be a writer:

1. Start with a teacher in 5th grade who tells you that you have a “gift” and asks you to lead the school newspaper. Spend some time in high school interning for the local paper then get in to college, anywhere.
2. Waste away in college in pursuit of a career field that actually “pays” and offers “security” and provides “benefits.” This will probably be pre-law.
3. Around the age of 35 have an existential crisis about what you are doing with your life. Agonize over whether or not this is how you want to spend your time. Say words like, “What about my legacy?!” Then remember your 5th grade teacher fondly and those days on the school newspaper as your happiest.
4. Decide to become a writer!
5. Boldly announce your new decision to the entire world (read as: update your Facebook status) and then sit and wait for the newspapers and magazines to email you. Check your direct messages on Twitter and Facebook a few times a day to make sure you aren’t missing anything.
6. Cry when, after three months, no one has contacted you at all. Have an existential crisis about whether or not you should be a writer.
7. Call your mom.

 

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